Burnout may seem to be about work, but it’s often about loyalty and self-sacrifice

Burnout is rarely really about work. It’s almost always about loyalty and self-sacrifice.

It’s about how long you’ve been pushing yourself too hard. How faithful you’ve remained to something outside yourself, even when your body had long since signaled that it was becoming too much.

Work is often the place where those unconscious patterns become apparent.

My own burnout

My own burnout struck when I was 28. From one moment to the next, my body started to falter. I couldn’t make sense of it. After all, I didn’t like sitting still. I was a typical jack-of-all-trades. I wanted to do a lot, could do a lot, and did a lot. All things I enjoyed. I was the quintessential human doing.

Until my body suddenly said, “Stop.” I still remember that moment at work. I was on the phone when I suddenly started hyperventilating. Out of the blue. I hung up, ran outside, and couldn’t stop crying. From that moment on, I was stuck at home for several months.

I felt like a weakling. Back then, burnout wasn’t as well-known as it is today. I saw a psychologist a few times. The only thing I remember from those sessions is the question, “When do you relax?” I had honestly never thought about that before. I cautiously went back to work, but recovery never came.

Eventually, I had to figure it out on my own. And that took time. For years, a chronic tension lingered in my body. Even during trivial moments, my system would start to falter. I had nightmares and sometimes even panic attacks. My migraine attacks also became increasingly intense.

Looking back now, I can see that the signs were there much earlier. For years, I’d wake up in the morning with heart palpitations. My body had been telling me for a long time that something needed attention. I just didn’t realize it back then.

What is a burnout?

Burnout is a condition in which the nervous system has become overloaded. The body has been under stress for too long and can no longer cope with the strain.

People often experience extreme fatigue, difficulty concentrating, and sleep problems. The body reacts with heart palpitations, a feeling of agitation, or panic-like symptoms. Sensory stimuli feel more intense, and even small tasks can suddenly feel overwhelming.

Eventually, the body pulls the emergency brake as a protective measure.

De typical burnout candidate

The typical burnout candidate is rarely someone who avoids responsibility. On the contrary. They are often dedicated people people who take their work seriously, who want to contribute, and who are loyal. People who want to do well and who don’t give up easily. That is precisely why they end up where they least want to be: forced to stop by their own bodies.

The last thing someone with burnout wants is to feel like they’re falling short or letting others down. That’s what makes this phase so challenging. The body shuts down, while everything inside them wants to keep going.

And sometimes people hope to be diagnosed with burnout

Every now and then, I come across someone in my practice who, deep down, hopes they have burnout. That might sound strange, but there’s something else going on there. In such situations, it’s usually not about someone who has shouldered too much responsibility, but rather about someone who longs for a reason not to have to shoulder those responsibilities. That’s a completely different dynamic.

You see that someone feels comfortable in the role of victim and that their focus remains primarily outward: on circumstances, on other people, on everything that’s wrong. As long as someone continues to look for the cause primarily outside themselves, it becomes difficult, because daring to look inward is precisely the core of recovery.

That’s also why coaching is of little use in such cases. Not because someone couldn’t change, but because the willingness to truly look within isn’t there.

The fase when the body really stops

What I almost always see in therapy is that, at first, people still try to keep going. They hope that with some rest or a few weeks at home, it will go away. But often something else happens. At first, the body breaks down even further.

That’s because the nervous system is finally given the space to emerge from chronic survival mode. The tension that has been trapped in the body for so long begins to slowly release.

For many people, this feels confusing. It seems as if things are getting worse, when in reality it’s often the beginning of recovery.

Read more about Individual Coaching here

Work is rarely the real cause

Many people think that the root cause of their burnout lies primarily in their work. The workload, the organization, or their supervisor are then quickly singled out as the culprits. That’s understandable, because work is often where the symptoms become apparent. But if you take an honest look, that’s not really the issue.

Sometimes it helps to realize that you have a choice. At least, in many cases. If it were truly necessary, you could look for another job. Also, no one is responsible for carrying an entire organization on their own. What you do have control over and what you are responsible for is how you treat yourself within that context. And that’s exactly where the exploration begins.

Because what makes you remain loyal to your work environment, even though your body has long been sending signals that it can’t take it anymore? How is it possible that you ignore those signals for so long?

Self-denial

A word that often frightens people is “self-denial.” Yet this is almost always what burnout is all about.

Self-denial means that, little by little, you start to lose touch with yourself. Your own boundaries become less important, your feelings are pushed aside, and the signals your body sends you don’t get the attention they actually need.

In a way, you’re fooling yourself a little. Of course, you don’t do this on purpose.

Loyalty from a systemic perspective

Constantly pushing beyond your own limits often has to do with loyalty. You want to contribute; you want to matter. You usually approach life with enthusiasm and tackle things head-on. Underlying that drive is usually a deep desire to belong. Chances are you developed this approach early on. At one point, it was necessary, and it worked.

But loyalty can also have a dark side. Then your own boundaries, feelings, or needs fade into the background, and you keep giving, adapting, and pushing forwar. Even when it actually becomes too much. This is where a loyalty conflict arises: a tension between staying true to yourself and staying true to what you’ve learned.

Many people then choose often unconsciously to be loyal to those around them. Often, someone who tries their best is also seen as extremely noble. And that feels good; it strokes the ego. But the essential question is, how noble is it to constantly put yourself last?

What burnout often really is about

When you look deeper, you almost always end up back at your original system. Every family has its own unwritten rules. Some feelings or needs fit into that framework easily, while others do not.

In many life stories, you see that certain feelings were given little room to exist. For example, sadness, anger, or doubt weren’t really allowed. Sometimes it was important to be strong, to be responsible, or simply to keep the peace.

These are strategies that once helped you find your place within the system you come from. But later in life, this way of living can start to work against you.

Read more about an Individual Family Constellation here

Unresolved grief

When working with systemic dynamics, we often talk about “unresolved grief.” That may sound a bit heavy, but it’s about acknowledging and fully experiencing the sadness of what you’ve missed out on. It’s about facing the reality that certain forms of support may never have truly been there and will never be provided now either.

Moreover, it’s rarely just about your own story. In many families, emotional pain is passed down from generation to generation. What couldn’t be processed in an earlier generation for example, because the pain was too big to feel is often unconsciously passed on to the next generation.

As a result, someone in the next generation may end up caring more intensely, taking on more responsibility, or putting themselves aside more than is actually necessary. But it is precisely that constant striving that perpetuates the tension within a system.

Allowing vulnerability

And this is often one of the most difficult steps. Because for many people, allowing themselves to feel pain feels like a sign of weakness. It’s quickly confused with victimhood exactly what the typical burnout candidate wants to avoid at all costs.

Yet it is precisely in acknowledging this pain that an important step toward recovery begins. Take the lead and allow yourself to be vulnerable not as a belief, but as a physical acknowledgment. The body wants to participate and needs your permission to do so.

The invitation to a burnout

Burnout is almost always an invitation to take a fresh look at yourself. To reflect on where you come from, how you treat yourself, and how you take care of yourself. To look at your diet and lifestyle, what you have remained loyal to, and the ways in which you have learned to ignore your own boundaries.

That is rarely a quick process. Recovery often begins with something many people are not used to at all: slowing down. Learning to feel, observe, and allow yourself to experience discomfort. Ultimately, this is where true healing begins: by developing a deeper awareness of your body.

Van human doing naar human being

For many people, that may well be the biggest change: realizing that the body is no longer something that has to perform or keep going, but something that provides direction. Not just doing but also being able to simply be with what is. From human doing to human being.

Recovery isn’t so much about resting. It’s mainly about learning to listen to the subtle signals your body sends. Allowing yourself to feel the discomfort the moment it arises and enduring it. And then it may happen that you suddenly feel you can start making different choices. Choices that better align with what your body has actually been trying to tell you for some time.

When I look back now on my own burnout, I see that the moment my body said “stop” was the beginning of a different kind of listening. Listening to what was going on inside me. I’m still practicing that listening, every day.

Healing takes practice. Checking in with yourself again and again, especially in those little moments in between. Learning to use the body as a compass. Something that gives you direction. Every single moment.

And the great thing is, work doesn't have to conflict with that at all. When you learn to listen to yourself more closely, work can actually become a place where you find joy again, but without losing sight of who you are along the way.

Read more about Individual Coaching here